Self-denial and pants

I once heard a man say, that there were two things that amazed him. Man’s ability for self-denial, and the fact that human beings are the only animals that wears pants. I think it was on an episode of Las Vegas, but try not to let that take away from its depth. This statement had an incredible impact on me, primarily due to it’s finite truth, and the fact that it had come from a mid series episode of Las Vegas. No matter what your personal beliefs or inclination in regards to the creation of the universe, you can’t argue with the fact that when it comes to pants, humans are number one and only.
Where exactly along the evolutionary chain did we pick up slacks? At what point did the survival of the fittest think to itself, ‘you know what this animal really needs to survive in this new and changing environment? Corduroy. Denim will the trait the takes this species to the Top’.
Maybe the whole point of evolving into pants was really a cover for our need for pockets. We can all agree that a man is never more vulnerable than when he’s lost his keys, but why then did we not develop a form of kangaroo pouch, or hair net if you will. Surly if we just grew our hair out, and braided it into a form of satchel, that would more than cover our storage needs. As you grow older and your personal requirements grew to include makeup, or a laptop, your hair would also grow, providing the ability to either create one large storage area, or a number of smaller pockets as you go. As your hair falls basically down the centre of your body, this would also remove and improve a lot of back and spinal problems, as weight would be more evenly, and symmetrically distributed.
Maybe survival of the fittest believes that looks really can kill, and felt that as fashion improved, we could use our pants for hunting. Unfortunately it didn’t take camouflage into account, thus producing the ‘urban-camo’ problems we see today. This theory, however, goes in direct violation of the rules of the survival of the fittest, and thus cannot be trusted. If it were the case however, it would have produced server annihilation of inner city teenagers, through the late nineteen nineties. An affair that may, or may not, have benefited us all.
The most probable reason for our evolution into trousers is of course to decrease the speed by which we could get it out, and thus reduce the speed by which we could overpopulate the Earth. This of course cannot be the reason either, due to the fact the natural evolution of pants has brought with it the button, zipper and Velcro fly, along with elastic waists and of cause kappa bouton leg pants. These are all things that have improved pant removal, going against the pant’s very point in the first place.
It seams that the more you think about it, the less pants fit within the rules of natural selection. One thing that does fit within the rules however, is that in recent times, mankind has seamed to greatly reduce his overall need to think. This aliens perfectly with the range of pant currently descending on the planet. If you don’t think about it too much, this can be considered logical reasoning, and will put you mind at ease. Ware pant loud and proud and say, “I don’t care how little reason these bad boy chafers have, you other animals can sit on it, cause I’ve got them, I’m at the top of the food chain, and if you look at me funny, I’ll eat you and ware you at the same time so there!”