Urban Pirates

Piracy in the outer suburbs of town this winter season, has reached the highest levels on record, making racketeering the now largest percent of crime in town. This title has traditionally been held by J walking, however a decrease in literacy has meant that many would be J walkers, have been unable to develop the required skills for this sordid profession. Many city officials have allegedly announced the piracy epidemic to be of plague proportion, to the degree such that the power of current legislation will be unable to knock the wind from the pirate’s sales. This in turn has prompted many calls from community groups, demanding policy reform powerful enough to keep up with the current swordplay. Some have even suggested legislation as strong as the legendary swash and buckle act of 1785 may be in order, if we are to adequately deal with the current body of scurvy naves, walking the streets. Police have warned that if anyone sees either a pirate, or what they believe to be a significantly un-kept sailor, they should by no means try to either approach or feed the individual in question, as they may bite. Urban pirates can be easily spotted, as they will generally have one wooden leg, one moccasin, a shirt of frilly and feminine nature, as well as an eye patch, most likely not of a medically prescripted nature. Be especially careful when heading to the horizon, as Pirates arrrr particularly common in this direction.